DUKE CANNON-SANCTIONED PUMPKIN CARVING TOOLS

It’s officially pumpkin-carving season—the perfect occasion to use your detail-oriented skills to celebrate Halloween (and to further confirm to the neighbors that you operate at a significantly higher executional level than they do). But let’s face it: those little sawing tools they include in Halloween carving kits are not up to the task, and Mrs. Cannon has declared the good cutlery off-limits. So here are some implements we believe will better help you shape those gourds into awe-inspiring pieces of holiday yard art.

PRESSURE WASHER
This would require finesse and a steady hand, and you will most likely demolish a couple specimens establishing your technique, but such is the burden placed upon the trailblazers of this world. Bonus: seeing how it’s already hooked up to your water supply, you might as well clean off that slightly dirty driveway that’s been keeping you up at night.

SAWZALL
We’ve always felt that the “all” in the name is equal parts claim and challenge. So, if this handy reciprocating mechanism can cut through wood, rebar, drywall, and even lengths of pipe, surely it would make quick work of the ribbed skin and thick shell of the Cucurbita genus? We believe so.

HATCHET
We recently viewed archival footage online that showed a handyman from the 1950s who was able to efficiently score and trim out precise sections of drywall using just a hatchet. This man is a titan, and we can think of no better way to honor his memory than by utilizing his method to carve a jack-o’-lantern face on a large orange cultivar.

BARE HANDS
Let’s show dad that all those karate lessons he paid for when we were a young, Bruce Lee-and-Chuck Norris-worshipping kid were not a complete waste of time and money. Closed fist, open palm, tiger strike—we don’t see why any of these ancient methods cannot be utilized by your meat hooks to chop/scrape/punch a scary image into a robust specimen of this versatile winter squash. Carve fast, carve hard, no mercy.