Duke Cannon's Dorm Bathroom Etiquette
All across this great land of ours, young men are leaving the nest and heading off to college to immerse themselves in various fields of study. And with this comes new life lessons to absorb as they navigate living on their own for the first time—which for many means a dormitory. Living in a dorm means sharing space, and the one shared space that is naturally top of mind for us is the bathroom, so we’ve written our own dorm bathroom constitution of sorts; some simple things to bear in mind when using these precious communal spaces. And yes, there will be a test.
TWO WORDS: SHOWER SHOES
Foam is a miracle substance. It’s a highly effective insulator and top-notch packing material, among many other uses. But nowhere has it been such a godsend as when molded into a precious 1” thick barrier that keeps your bare feet safely above the suspect tile of a shared dorm room bathroom / shower. There are fungi there that have yet to be catalogued by science, and rest assured walking gingerly on your heels or balled-up feet is no defense. Call them what you want— flip-flops, sandals, or slides—investing in some foot armor is critical.
KEEP THE SINGING TO A MINIMUM
Look, everyone wants to belt out a stirring rendition of “More Than a Feeling” as soon as the steam starts rising, but the fact is no one wants to hear that except you and your rubber ducky. It is important to remember that you are not flying down the interstate in your car but are instead in a communal bathroom, and the only pipes that should be making their presence known are the ones supplying the hot water that is cascading over your groggy head. So if you’re feeling musical, we suggest sharpening your whistling chops instead. It’s a sadly dying art.
INVEST IN A ROBE
A man wearing a robe sends a message, and that message is “I do not yet wish to constrict myself with clothing, but I also respect your eyeballs.” Now, Duke Cannon is not saying that you need to go the Hugh Hefner route and adorn yourself in luxurious silk. But the fact is that a decent terry cloth robe (do not traffic in inferior cotton blends) will not only keep things covered up, but will also cement your place in the dorm as a man who chooses to live his best life when and wherever possible. Just make sure to keep it securely fastened; no one needs their day worsened when they’ve already failed a chemistry lab.
CLOSE THE CURTAIN
Thankfully you have left the days of high school communal showering behind you, and most dorms have individual shower stalls that afford the college-going fellow some privacy. That said, there will be a lot of mornings you are not fully awake (probably due to all that studying you’ll be engaged in and not at all related to various collegiate shenanigans), so we very much recommend that for your sake and others that you not be the guy who forgets to close the shower curtain all the way, staging an unintended peep show for his fellow bathroom attendees. Remember: college nicknames are forever.
A.B.H.P. (Always Be on Hair Patrol)
Duke Cannon has certainly clogged his fair share of sinks over the years, and fully understands that we as a species have hair on our bodies. It’s just how it is. But it’s incumbent on all of us to make sure our hair doesn’t become someone else's problem. So grab that shower head and aim it like a fireman at any follicular leftovers and send them right down the drain right along with that itsy-bitsy spider. And remember that once you're done shaving your face, rinse out the sink basin so that it also looks clean and presentable.
PAY IT FORWARD
We cannot think of a greater gift to bestow upon someone than to introduce them to the Duke Cannon ecosystem / worldview. Now, we are not saying that you need to go into sales pitch mode while in the shower with a stranger in the next shower stall, but we suggest that some good clean karma could be generated by just leaving your last couple squeezes of Bay Rum THICK for the next fellow to discover and appreciate, or even a shampoo puck to be sniffed and then tried. Before you know it, Duke Cannon Hall will be the best-smelling building on campus.
