Things That Scare Duke Cannon

This Halloween weekend, most children (not to mention scores of inebriated adults) will don costumes and take to the streets to celebrate Halloween. Now, Duke Cannon does not believe in ghosts and such, but there are some things that have been known to make us shudder. So, as we prepare to hand out full-size candy bars to the neighborhood trick-or-treaters, we thought we’d face our fears head on and share some of them with you.

POORLY MAINTAINED LAWNS

There is always a house in the neighborhood said to be haunted, and therefore avoided by the local kids. We see nothing to fear in a Victorian in need of a fresh coat of paint, but few things make our flesh crawl like the sight of patchy, uneven grass and rampant dandelions.

AN EMPTY GARAGE FRIDGE

You just finished building a new dining room table in your spare time and you naturally head to your garage fridge for a well-earned can of celebratory suds. The door slowly creaks open, revealing the grisly sight within—no beer! Your scream is heard for miles.

A CARTON OF EGGS COSTING $7.89

Duke Cannon likes his morning protein, but a trip to the grocery store has become downright chilling. The dairy aisle alone causes more jump scares than any haunted house.

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE (1998)

“The Exorcist” is a walk in the park compared to this harrowing film that somehow won the Oscar for Best Picture. If you decide to watch it, we recommend doing so with the lights on.

PEOPLE WHO LIKE THEIR STEAKS WELL-DONE

Some are frightened by supernatural creatures like Dracula or the Wolf Man, but we are far more terrified by the kind of monster who preys on innocent cuts of quality meat. What drives them? Where did they acquire their unholy appetite for old shoe leather? It’s terrifying.

RUNNING OUT OF FIREWOOD

Many is the night Duke Cannon has woken up in a cold sweat, dreading this possibility. Then, since we’re already awake, we get dressed, head outside, and chop more firewood.

CANNED GREEN BEANS

We admit that in the event of an apocalypse we’d change our tune, but as things currently stand, we are extremely unnerved by this product, and always have been.

DRIVING A 4-CYLINDER VEHICLE UP A HILL

We understand that good gas mileage is of concern to many citizens, and we respect that. But hearing an underpowered engine struggle to gain ground on even the most modest of inclines is a bone-chilling scenario regardless of your transportation budget.

CANDY CORN

Any man who can hear these two words without shivering in fear and revulsion has our utmost respect.