THINGS TO AVOID AT YOUR LOCAL FAIR
State or county, borough or parish, there is nary a fair that Duke Cannon isn’t game for. What’s not to love when it comes to steam-powered tractor exhibitions, live births of stock animals, strongman games, and deep-fried you-name-it? But Duke Cannon didn’t just fall off the peach truck—we tread somewhat gingerly, because for all its treasures, the fair does present a number of potentially day-ruining pitfalls. Here’s what to look out for, step around, and otherwise avoid in your search for the good stuff (like that guy who will burn your name onto a leather belt, for instance).
THE SCRAMBLER
If you’ve had anything to eat in the last, say, week or so, you may want to take a pass on the notorious ride known as The Scrambler. This contraption—most likely assembled in haste by railroad hobos, and attended to by lackadaisical teenagers—turns what in theory should be a joyful three-minute spin into an all-out assault on your innards. If you’re keen on experiencing centripetal force first-hand, we suggest the relative safety of a yo-yo instead.
HOOP SHOTS
Every year we attempt to impress the missus by draining some threes from way back, just as we did in high school. And every year we score exactly zero points. Could it be that the game is rigged? That the rim is smaller than the ball, and shaped like an oval? In our opinion, you (and your ego) are far better off plinking away at some metal targets with a BB gun. That’s where the real heroes are made, after all.
THE GOAT BARN
Now, we love a baby goat (a kid, as the 4H children would say) as much as the next guy, but let’s face it, there’s something unsettling about fully grown goats. The horns. The sideways pupils. That bleating sound. Not to mention their revered status within occult circles. We think it best to just amble over to the horse expo.
THE NEEDLEPOINT EXHIBIT
On second thought, we once saw the lyrics from the chorus of “Mama Tried” stitched into a lovely round canvas, which made the tour worth it. Check out your local needlepoint exhibit if you have the time, and keep an open mind.
QUESTIONABLE COVER BANDS
It stands to reason that if you’re not into the real thing, then a cover band version will be much, much worse. Speaking from experience, we strongly recommend that you grant a county-wide berth to performances by Sham! (Wham! cover band), Poison Control (Poison cover band), and Styxless (Styx cover band).
